The past 12-months
I stopped making New Year's resolutions a while back. I have a value wheel that I use to guide my life decisions and keep everything in balance. But, I do select a word of the year.
Last year, my word of the year was: PATIENCE.
There is no science to it. I go with what I feel I need most of for the year to come. When I selected the word I had no clue what lied in store for me in 2019 and how much patience I would need to get through the next 12-months.
2019 was the year I got divorced. I lost my husband. I lost my home. I lost my dog. I lost his family. I lost friends. I lost my back molar after two-failed root canals. My grandfather passed away. I lost a lover. I lost my car after it became broken with no chance for repair. But more than all of that, I lost hope. I lost my zest for life. I lost my drive. I lost passion and purpose. I lost 15-pounds but not in a healthy way. On my worst days, I lost my willingness to live.
I didn't know what "rock bottom" felt like. I know now. There were too many mornings to count when I talked myself through the daily rituals of our lives. "Tiffany, you can do this. You can get out of bed. Okay, good. Now you need to shower and wash your hair. Great. Now you need to eat a little something. Now you need to walk to your car and drive to work and try really hard."
Mornings were one thing, but the evenings were quite another. There were nights when I would just pace the kitchen, feeling like I was crawling out of my skin. I was too sad to do anything productive, but too wound up to sleep straight through the night. Exercise helped but it released so many emotions it was difficult. Have you ever sobbed on a treadmill? Yup, talk about multi-tasking.
the next 12-months
Something shifted for me at the end of December. I took some time off work to decompress and reassess who I was and who I wanted to be. I worked on my goals, my values and priorities. I wrote it all down. I started making summer plans and decluttered and reorganized much of my home. I got back in to the practice of medication and worked on self-awareness. I started this blogging site. Most importantly, I stopped focusing on my woes 24/7 and opened myself up to other people and how I could be there for them. I stopped waiting for family and friends to reach out to me and I started to reach out to them to talk, to listen, to make plans. It felt good.
My word for 2020 is: GRATITUDE. Aristotle once said, "it is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." When we are grateful for what we have we see the light. I am blessed to have my freedom and to learn how to live alone again. I know that the former friends were there at a point in my life when they were supposed to be there. I will get a tooth implant - good as new. I miss my Grandfather, but so happy I had a man like him in my life to show me what it meant to live a live an honest and purposeful life. I have a new reliable car that will not break down every month. I now know what true love feels like and I am grateful for that because I will recognize it the next go around. And, I am grateful for all the the good that will come my way in 2020. And, I will be grateful for the not so good that will come my way because with it will be another opportunity to respond with better self-care, more awareness and hopefully less "down time."
what is your word of the year?
Some words to get you thinking about your word of the year. It doesn't have to mean anything to anyone, but you. Go with your gut. Don't overthink it. Which word speaks to you? What do you want more of in your life in 2020?
Happy New Year! ~ Tiffany